Premarital Lesson #1:
Great Expectations
Assumptions and presumptions; expectations and anticipations-- these thoughts rest within the bed-rock of all relationships. During a recent interview, a senior pastor asked me to tell him what time I expected to be in the office to work every morning. Before giving my answer, I told him that I wanted to know what the general rule was for the rest of the staff, what was the underlying assumption about attendance. If hired, failing to meet those presumptions could be costly for my relationship with the senior pastor. These sorts of expectations are found everywhere: between a waiter and a restaurant guest, between a contractor and home owner, between a bank and a mortgage holder… between a husband and a wife. While expectations are natural, some expectations can be detrimental to a relationship while others can be overwhelmingly beneficial.
The difference between healthy and crippling expectations in relationships is their correspondence to God-founded, Biblical precepts. Assumptions that are rooted in selfishness, unhealthy ambition, lust, or pride are bound to cause tension in the relationship. Conversely, expectations rooted in service, others-mindedness, desire for genuine intimacy, and humility result in a flourishing relationship that honors Christ and reflects his love for us. In addition to having proper motives, a husband and wife must share an understanding of the actions that result from the expectations. Spouses that recognize and understand healthy expectations are able to accept reproof when ill motives and actions arise and will also more fully appreciate the actions that result from healthy expectations.
Even through my engagement to Allison, I can see how some of my unhealthy expectations have gotten in the way, and could lead to unhealthy expectations during marriage. To prepare for our marriage that’s coming up in less than five months (!!), I’ve been taking time now to filter out the motives of my expectations. As I do that, I’m becoming more able to decipher which situations require a change of heart and in what situations I should consider giving Allison truthful and loving reproof. Likewise, I can see Allison discerning her own motives and she is becoming more comfortable with giving me the reproof that I need. As we grow in Christ, individually and as a couple, we’re learning how to sharpen each other--how to spur one another on to becoming a better future spouse… and a better servant of God. My hope, therefore, is not to eliminate expectations in our relationship altogether, but to filter out those rooted in self and foster God-honoring, healthy, great expectations.
